because cool kids are boring

Briefing on the initialization of phase 1

without comments

I’ve been struggling with defining something for the past couple of months, and I think I’ve finally got my head around what’s happening.

The whole thing starts in the last half of 2012. I had become increasingly uneasy about where things stood in my life and felt myself being pushed towards some kind of change. I’d felt this once before, back in 1995, and the outcome of that situation was a definite improvement, so I was looking forward to see where things were headed, but not sure where or how this journey started.

As 2012 came to a close, I found myself prepping to make several personal changes in the coming year. I wanted to get a handle on my diet and become more conscious of what I was eating and what it was doing to me. I also wanted to approach my life with a more positive outlook on things, instead of getting lost in the negative. Finally, I wanted to reengage with my spiritual side. The decision to work on these things was not completely conscious in nature. They just kind of appeared in my head, and when they did, they seemed like natural things I needed to do.

While I’ve been engaged in this project for the last month or so, I’ve struggled with how to refer to it. The individual components are interlocked in my head, so referring to them individually sounds clumsy to me. I couldn’t come up with a unifying framework for them though.

Then a couple of days ago I was reading up on some nutrition stuff and came across a writer who spent a good chunk of pages talking about the healing nature of the diet they were proposing. The thought clicked and I realized I had my answer.

2013 was going to be a year of healing for me. That’s what this all was. A move to once and for all, actually heal from what happened.

The first half of 2000 was a wonderful time for me. In many ways possibly the happiest and most content I’ve ever been for an extended period of time. The second half of 2000 everything fell apart. I’d been a coward and decided to play it safe and not risk things. In the end, I lost a close friend who I was secretly hopelessly in love with.

To cope, I shut down. I hid my heart somewhere deep inside myself and tried to put things back together. I had thought that I’d dealt with this and come out the other side. Now though I realize that I’d just learned to cope. My heart is still buried deep inside. And now I’m starting to realize that it is my heart that is at the center of who I am. So, until I find it and put it back on my sleeve, I’m just going to be some guy cosplaying me.

So far, I’m a month in. I seem to be focusing primarily on the physical at the moment. That makes sense, there’s low hanging fruit there so it’s easy. The other pieces will require me to find a community eventually and I’m not sure where the hell to start there. Or, more precisely, I know where to start, I’m just apprehensive and nervous about actually doing it. So, I focus on the easy stuff and tell myself that I’ll get to the other stuff later.

On the plus side though, everything is intertwined. By bringing balance back to the physical, I feel my balance returning in other areas as well. For one, I’m finding it more natural to accept my surroundings as they are instead of feeling that I must pass a judgement on them. I can also feel the numbness that has been my emotions over the last 10 years finally starting to crack and give way. Several times over the past month I’ve found myself being taken over by sudden feelings of pride, sadness, and hopelessness; as a result of things that I’ve read or seen. So I’m hopefully that this journey will be successful.

Where it goes though, and how I will get there, are the adventure.

Written by Matt

February 11th, 2013 at 12:00 pm

Posted in Uncategorized